Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Unpacking my boxes & Unloading my thoughts!

So my room finally ready and last night the bed was put up so with all my new mocho n pink matching curtains, bedding and cushions.  Then a pink lamp, washing basket n clock, i also got Sophie a little pink bed to match too, it no wonder i have no money now! Today was my day off and slowly started to unpack some boxes, i found it really tough unpacking, which is why i'm sitting here now writing this and having a break from it, cuz its been hard work.  I'm like most people hates packing and hates unpacking, but unpacking ur life from a house back into the room at your mum n dad's cause life went wrong, that's what this girl finds tough!
Been thinking alot today about what i need to do to try and make me happy n i know it kinda comes down to making sure i can stay well.  If i can stay well i can start to turn my life around and have more energy to go have fun with my friends! I get so scared of over-doing things now, because before last year one night out and i'd take days to recover, i was on orals or iv's so much of the year.  

Orals like Cipro mean i can't go on a sunbed and that's one thing i'm loving right now, my beautiful brown skin that i'm working on! I wanna be ssssoooo brown, don't worry i won't go orange!! I can already tell the difference in my face, i don't look pale anymore, even when no make up on, i have a lovely sunny glow which makes me feel so much better about myself.  So as long as budget my money for sunbed courses i'll be a happy girl right now!! :) xx

N Iv's well they just ruin all ya photos on a night out, my port is in my arm, so my needle is always seen, i don't like wearing a bandage and it's so annoying having to take a cardigan to cover things up! So my mission is to be needle free for as long as possible, i'm quite proud of myself, i'm still fighting this virus, my dad is still off sick and i'm going to work, i'm coughing alot of crap up but i'm being really positive, i don't feel ill with it, so just keep doing the nebs and clearing the crap and i'll be all good.

The Meropenim nebs at the moment with the cough is like putting myself through a punishment, it's hard enough with the taste sometimes to breathe it in, but at least i'm coughing up rubbish with it, its like physio round 2 sometimes, but i'm still been good having it twice a day as much as i can!

It's hard changing the way i think, like i'm so used to been able to get away with not doing much medication and getting away with it but now i can't do that, now i realise and it's taken along time that if i want to be well then i need to do more.  The old me a few months ago if my care was still as Stoke probably would of got a virus like this and after a few days given into it and rang up needing ivs. I think it took moving my care to give me the fresh approach to looking after myself and finally feeling i have people who believe me and believe in me! I got so frustrated with Stoke they had nothing new to give, but if only they'd open their eyes they realise there are so many ways that they could really change and help their patients more.

I now have such a more positive outlook on my health, where before i was so depressed and unhappy, my health took over my life, for last two years i had over 15 iv courses and not really felt much benefit from them, my life was CF and been ill and i didn't know anything else.  I believe it was the reason my marriage ended, how can anyone really n truely love someone if they have forgotten how to love and look after themselves.

I became so lazy and so lethargic, i was capable of so much more as a wife, a happier healthier me would of been more fun for a start, i would of wanted to spend time with my husband and should of fought more for his time.  Steve was never a person who liked to be told what to do, so i just let him do whatever he wanted, if he wanted to go out on his bike all weekend he would, n what would i do, i spend the mornings in bed and rest of day on facebook or watching tv waiting for him to come home, but knowing he'd be tired.  I never fought for his time, i never said i wanted spend time with him.

We got to the point where we believed we had nothing in common, if i was out n he was in, he'd watch films on his own, we'd never watch them together, he really thought we couldn't watch films together because i wasn't interested in same as him.  We never went the cinema, we never went bowling, we never did anything, most we'd do would be go for tea and even then we'd both be on our phones.  I used to laugh at people who'd have a date night, but now i think how clever, i never believed we needed it, i thought we were forever.  You know things are wrong when u sit with tv on, on phones, i pads, laptops n don't speak unless its to say how cute sophie is or who's turn it is to let her out.

If only i'd realised sooner, if only i'd moved my care and felt well, got out of this mess with my health a long time ago, maybe we would of had a chance.  I used to get butterflies when i'd see his van come into the street and know he'd be home, but this last 6 months i felt nothing, i was empty inside, deciding what to have for tea was nightmare and i'd never get up and cook, i'd just expect it from him, i did the dishes, n even them i'd prob do the next day or leave till i had a pile or no plate.  Since moving in my mum n dad's dishes for 4 people is nightmare there is always a pile sat by the sink and i just do them, sometimes twice a day.  I can see the difference in me, but why am i doing them now, here, when they are three other people who could do them if i didn't, when at home in my own house i could never be bothered.

I hope this change in me isn't because me n steve are mean't to be apart cuz today i'm not dealing to well with that thought today, I want nothing more than a life with my husband n i miss him like crazy. I think even Sophie know's i'm not coping today cuz she has given me lots of doggies cuddles.  She knows when i need them, bless her!

Well now i've had my emotional half an hour, it's time to go unpack a few more boxes, i have way to many ME to You teddies etc to find homes for and then its the final of Biggest Loser the UK. Yes i'm a huge fan! x Sad i know!! But i love them although i love the USA one so much more!

Thank u for reading.

Love you all xxxxxxx


  1. It will get easier....stay strong n focused on your health - that is the most important thing - the rest will follow....don't envy you hte unpacking,,hahaha, take care,
    as always, big hugs

  2. I just wanted to say how positive this post is...in a round about sort of way. It seems like you really know what you need to do and are trying hard to stay focused, despite what's happening in your life.

    I know we don't know each other, but I really enjoy reading your blog and hope things work out for you xx

  3. Thank you both for your comments, means alot to me that people enjoy reading my blog and are sending messages of support! x the unpacking thing is horrible, it's like im turning my room into a 15 yrs old so much stuff has just got to go! im 27 n need a grown up room now!