Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Sometimes i wonder how i get out of bed each day!

Someday's i honestly wonder how i have the strength to get out of bed, someday's i'm so tired of being so strong i just wanna hide away. Don't get me wrong i still have a few days where i spend most of it in bed, but they are more like lazy days watching TV or something, rather than me physically or emotionally not getting out of bed! 

People tell me they think i'm amazing and how they wouldn't be coping half as well as what i have with the last year or just generally my life, but i guess everyone finds away to cope.  Some turn to drink, drugs and not ways i would ever advocate but i guess its there way of dealing with it.  Me i guess i use distraction therapy, try my best not to think and keep as busy as i can.  Which is easier said than done, one little bit of time to think and i could cry! Crying doesn't make me weak, i know that for sure, cuz i know i'm a tough little cookie, but i've always been emotional! Although these days the things i would of blubbed my heart out too i'm like ice queen, ball of steal and filling up but no tears! I don't cry at the usual things i used to, the soaps, soppy films etc, now i'm actually crying for me n real life, sometimes it really does get a little too much for me and i find myself in daft situation trying to fight back the tears, swallowing the lump in the back of my throat and trying to find a smile to put on my face! I'm getting pretty damn good at pulling myself together , this yr especially i've had to do it so many times!  

Everytime i think things are settling down, that i feel like i'm getting back on track, bang! My happy places become sad places, people i cared about being hurt and feeling pain beyond belief, people becoming ill n generally people just not been who i thought they were, as well as some people leaving my life all together through no choice of there own.  It's a cruel and wicked world we live in and i just wish it would all calm down and give not just me but the people i love and care about a break!!

Life's hard and things are sent to test us, i'd like to think i've passed the test this year with flying colours and there is a huge prize on it's way too me, big win on lottery would do nicely me thinks! N yes, i do actually do lottery every week and now pay by direct debit so i don't forget! I love to daydream about what i'd do if i won lottery! Weird thing is i don't really know what i'd do for myself, you see for most the world their oyster, for me it's not! Lungs keep my feet flat on the floor and stop me dreaming of an amazing jet set life style.  I always think about how i'd help my friends, set them up with houses, business and i'd just be silent partner.  Little like Alan Sugar, with all his apprentices, well i'd just have my friends running business's of there dreams and mine!! I'd obviously make sure my family were looked after and that there dreams came true and i would have a few holidays, maybe hire myself a cf nurse to just look after me, ivs when needed, port flushes and then maybe i could live the jet set life style. Sooooooo lost in my thoughts of winning right now! ha ha!!

I guess as much as i think i've had enough right now, there is always someone else worse off, friends fighting for their lives, CF can be such a bitch and people in general just having a shit time with life.  I said the other night on my facebook status that life is a game, it's true, from day u born to day u die, your just gotta play.  We don't win all the time, sometimes we play the best innings we can and still come out a loser, but as long as we get back up and play again, we're still living and thats what matters.  It's how we choose to play the games.  

Now i know everyone not born with the inner strength to fight like cf's have, some people i do find frustrating, i'm not saying there weak but they just don't seem to have a very strong outlook on the world, little things n its all over, people who's facebook status's are full of them winging there bags off everyday about nothing! dying because they sneezed, broke a nail or just tired! To those people i'd love to say "come live my life for a day" come breathe with my battered lungs, come walk in my kids shoes, come eat with my rotten digestive system, just come be me! You'd so go back to your old life thinking how amazing you have it! I have people that i look up to, people who fight every day people who's lives i dread to think might be my reality one day, they are my inspiration to get up, fight and not to winge my bag off! Although sometimes i think i'm allowed a little winge, even if it is about the wingers on my newsfeed.  

So this one i'm gonna throw back to you, what makes u get up in the morning! Other than your job and fact u need money that is! But what really makes u get up, keep fighting and living on!

I say it's for the people you love and care about.  That's why i get up! That's why i stay strong and that why i keep on fighting everyday.  Yes, i'm sick of all the crap that comes along each day and quite frankly would love a break but it won't stop me getting out of bed tomorrow, or the next day or the day after that.  

I leave u with this quote i found, which makes me feel quite sad! There is always someone who loves, u, needs you and who's life is so much better because your in it!!! 

Friday, 9 November 2012

Pulling myself back together......

So this blog continues on from My world falls apart!! so you prob should read this first.

I pretty much knew i was in denial and i was kind of sitting around waiting to allow myself to fall apart on the 25th for Aaron's funeral! To be fair as soon as the monday of that week came i started to fall apart! I think like everyone around me we just didn't want the day to come, no one wanted to say the final goodbye! 

If you've ever been to a CF funeral you'll know they are just like no other, the amount of people who turn up, nurses, doctors, friends, families.  Aaron's was to be like no other, he had touched so many lives and i knew it was just one of those times when everyone was going to turn up.  It's true what they say that sometimes you only see people at weddings and funerals, CF funerals in Stoke just seem like one big reunion. For me actually making it to  28, i've lost a lot of friends, all people who had made such a huge impact on my life.  Donna Hackney, Jeni Corne, Nat Sumner, Stacey Marsh and Natalie Buckley, photos below.

I've also been to CF funerals of Brian, Lisa, Charlotte.  When Carrie died i was unable to go the funeral because i came home from my holiday that day.  When Anna died i wasn't able to go, but one day i plan to go with Soph to the hill where her ashes were scattered and play a game of monopoly and eat wagon wheels. Having been to so many funerals i know how i react now, the hardest part and the most real part is when i see the coffin but there nothing i can do to prepare myself for it!

At the funeral there was a little reserved area at the front for CF's so we could all sit n cough and cross infect together! ha ha!! I was sat with Emma one side and my friend Steph the other side.  I swear through the whole service those two held me up, i was a mess, but luckily i had found the best waterproof mascara, it had been tried and tested in the few days before and it actually worked.  So at least i knew i wasn't going to look like i'd dressed for halloween early on the way out the church. 

My mum and brother came to the service too, they didn't sit with me at the front, which to be fair i was relieved of.  Every CF parent in that room would of not only been thinking about Aaron through that service would of also thought about loosing there own child.  I knew my mum and brother had been thinking about me and i knew it just made them worry about me more.  I needed to be able to fall apart and just think about Aaron and not worry about someone else thinking about me.  The service broke my heart, it was lovely though, was all about Aaron and the perfect send off for him! 

He came in to "Katy Perry - Firework", this song as been haunting me ever since, its on the radio and was on in Walkabout last weekend and then Sat night on X Factor!, its prob gonna be played a lot more over next few days with bonfire night! Then half way through the service "Robbie Williams - Angels" Aaron wanted people to get out there phones and wave them in the air, Emma made me chuckle quickly downloading the torch app to her iphone, i got up my facebook profile pic of me and him, people were singing and stood up in his honour.  It was so hard to wave my arms, i really wanted to, i wanted to sing along too, but my body just wanted to collapse to the floor, i felt broken, exhausted and i was sobbing.  I was pretty much like this all way through the service, i think i'd held it together far too well and this way only way i could deal with it! 

U may think i'm a little strange for this one, but for some reason i kept looking up to the front on the church to the window ledge on the left, n imagining Aaron sat there watching everyone, he would of had amazing view, kept catching myself looking up there n kinda flashing a little smile up there.  I also think in the week of two before he been driving my car a little, wipers n lights coming on, in daylight n sunshine and the car kept accelerating when my foot wasn't really pressing on it! I know if he was trying to tell me he been around he'd prob play with my car.  He did always have something to say about my amazing driving skills! 

As Aaron left the church they played "Faith Hill - There You'll Be" which was perfect, again that was me blubbing away and leaving the church i must of hugged so many people and cried on so many shoulders.  We then went to the Crem where there was a small service and  it was like a final goodbye as "R Kelly - The World's Greatest" was played we all left walking past Aaron and saying our final goodbye, i'd been able hold it together in the service this time, but this i knew was the end and the tears started flowing again! As i walked past i put down my rose and put my hand on the coffin and told just said "love you forever".  Still the thought i've actually had to say goodbye hurts, its so much easier to just think of him been in hospital plodding along, telling us all he's ok when we know he really isn't but having to believe him so that you can actually leave his room and carry on with ur own normal life until u have the time to go and see him again.  

When i nipped up to that hospital to visit Az, it was never i'll just go for half an hour, or even an hour, you were talking 4-6 if not longer.  Sometimes you'd just sit, no talking, other times u'd have such a laugh that the whole cross infection rules would fly out the window as your sides started to hurt, eyes started to run and lungs started to cough.  I'm really gonna miss them visits to the hospital.  It was hard enough when Nat Buckley died going back on to ward 117 remembering all the mischief we used to get up too, but it wasn't long before we were moved to 79, then when Nat Sumner died, i needed to be admitted and had to go in her room a week or so after she had passed away, but the thing that kept me strong was knowing that Aaron was just down the corridor, then it was only a few months later that we moved to the new ward 233.  From when we moved to 233 Aaron was pretty much a permanent fixture, room 12 then moving to room 1 the big massive room where he became Lord of the Manner, signs outside his room saying "Lord Aaron Hall" and having a huge TV bought for him by the staff so he could watch Euro 2012.  He had every single person on that ward wrapped round his fingers, what Aaron wanted Aaron got, that cheeky little smile worked on everyone.  

His wake was at the Florence Working Mens Club in Lightwood, the place we had all been for Aaron's 16th, 18th and for a our charity motown and abba nights.
Alot of great memories with Aaron, it was hard walking in there knowing he wasn't gonna be there, in his dashing suit, after all he had said he wanted a party! So party we did.  We began with Cha Cha Slide, then the cheesy songs just kept on flowing. 5,6,7,8, Tragedy, Saturday Night, Hey Macerena.  I'm sure you get it by now, all the ones with cheesy dances, make u look like an idiot but u secretly love.  Well i do and you know i'm the queen of cheesey music! Me and my lungs surprised myself for bout 2hrs i was on that dance floor, dancing away knowing it was what Az wanted, but also just for a little bit forgetting the reason we were there. They ended things around half 8, we all stood in a circle holding hands to Angels singing our heads off and few tears streaming as we gave our final little tribute to the boy of the day.

As much as the day was horrible it was also a relief to be over, i'm dreaded that day, it broke my heart but i knew it was the day to let it all become real to me and now to start believing he is free from pain and breathing and having a party with all my friends up there on the clouds.

Come Friday i had to pull myself together again, busy weekend ahead. starting with work and a night out with my friends, it was probably the distraction i needed knowing Tues i had Dave's funeral to get through, n well it's ur friends and family who get you through these sad times.  
We went out for leaving for for couple of lads who gone to Australia for the year, right now thats something i'm well jealous of.  I would love to just get away, try something new, i just know that not a reality i have at the moment.  As much as i am trying to live my life to full, there certain limits, but i'm working on improving my health a little and really trying with all my medication these days to stay in a good routine and behave so i can keep myself well, i have been going thr gym twice a week with Ames and i'm pushing myself a little bit more each time.  When i'm in hospital i normally just do 15-20 mins on treadmill at a slow walking pace, i think 3.7 is highest they let me go too, but i'm been starting around 3.5 and getting up to 5.0 on a good day for 20 mins, then i've been going on exercise bike or 15, but it's one with a seat like a chair so as much as exercises me legs i actually feel like im chilling at same time.  Lately i've even tried adding in just a couple of mins on cross trainer, although that really does wear me out so same that for the end.  

Then sat me and Yas went an freezed our asses off at the Stoke v Sunderland game.  Was so cold.  I do love going the football and watching it, living in house with my dad and bro where football is priority of conversation and the TV i guess it was always like it or lump it.  Lucky i like it then, i'm proper little saddo sometimes with me sky sports app checking the scores when i'm out with friends.  Just love how we been meaning go watch a game for month or two and one we go is the coldest day of year so far!!  Was fun though, little distracting from the game when Owen was warming up in front of us. Ha ha.

That night me and my bro went to Michael McIntyre at Manchester, he was so funny, really does naturally make me laugh.  I had originally bought the tickets for me and Steve but my bro was perfect replacement.  The tickets had gone on sale 18 months ago and Michael did actually apologise for them been on sale so early, he then made a joke out of all the people who were probably there that night with a different person who they had originally bought the tickets for. Ha ha!! Thanks for that one.  Had a really good night though! Then i drove to the girls Halloween party at Carla's for a few hours.  Sunday was a well deserved stay in bed. watch the F1 and Football day and monday i just chilled out.  I had a week off work so it was good timing really to finish my last few days iv's and to have a rest.

Dave's parents and girlfriend had been at Aaron's funeral, so brave and Aaron's family were at Dave's. was heartbreaking so for them i have no idea.  I don't whether its lucky or unlucky to have time to plan what you want.  Aaron had written down most of what he wanted back in  2010 when life had started to change for him.  Dave however probably like me, it crossed his mind when we loose a friend, but never actually do anything about it.  Dave's mum and dad didn't know what he wanted so between them and Becky they had to do what they thought.  It was a lovely service, the first song as Dave came in was "Westlife - I'll See You Again" and then up to crem, where they played "Celine Dion - My Heart Will Go on" and "Jessica Andrews - You Will Never Be Forgotten", a beautiful song that i'd never heard before.  I went to service with Emma, my parents and Chris, Kierran and Angelina.  It was another hard day but held together by the people who love and care for me.  Again the church was like a mini reunion of nurses, CF's and friends.  There really should be better times for us all to meet up.  

Dave's parents not really knowing what he wanted, has made me think alot more about trying to find the strength to write it all down exactly what i want.  I always thought there would be a right time, in my head there are things i'm really set on, things that will be really important to me, so it's something i really need to do.  Not that i'm planning on going anywhere, but i want my family to know exactly what i want and for as easy as it can be for when that time in the very very very distant future comes.  I knowing loosing me is gonna be hard enough to deal with, i just want it all to be ready for them.  I've always wanted to write letters to people, to have a chance to say goodbye and to have a box of stuff prepared.  I hope i get the time and strength to write them for the people who mean the world to me! x

One of my most precious memories in my life was the day a week or so after Anna had died, receiving an envelope in the post and as i turned it over to open, written on the back "guess who" with a smiley face, i slumped to my stairs and sat and read the letter off the girl, i'd never actually met but who in the two years i'd known through facebook, messaging every day, chatting about absolutely everything and spoke to once on phone where she actually scared me because she sounded like "darth vader". Anna had faced the toughest fight ever with CF, she had been so poorly, ventilated 3 or 4 times over the last year of her life but each time came back fighting, sending that little text to my phone saying "hi" knowing she was back.  The girl who called me, her and Soph the 3 musketeers one day but couldn't find photos of musketeers so decided we were mermaids because they must have great lungs been able to swim under water and then girl who put our three faces on mermaids when bored in hospital one day. A friendship i will truely treasure for ever. 
I guess planning your own funeral isn't what normal people think of, but growing up with a terminal disease kinda changes the goal posts a little, knowing your not gonna be 90, sitting in a home, staring at the TV not quite with it, not knowing what day it and loosing ur mind slowly isn't my reality.  But i'll be damned if i ever give up fighting to get as close to 90 as possibly can.

Thursday at Clinic went well, looking after myself and my iv's seemed to be going well at the moment.  Lung Function was still 42% and weight still slowly going back up just another kg and i'll be happy.  My reflux is still a huge problem and they referring me to a surgeon now to discuss my options, its starting me become a real problem for me. My exercise tolerance test showed a good increase from when i first moved to Manchester  the times was about the same, having just finished 2 n half weeks of ivs and lung function been in low 40's.  So all in all a good clinic for a change.  So now to keep it up there.  IV's finished so it's down to me to keep up with the treatments and stay in my routine with my nebs etc to keep my lungs working and to keep up the gym.  I do actually enjoy going, get to see my best friend and perve on men for 45 mins twice a week, ha ha!! oh yes and the exercise! lol. 

Friday i met Karen on services for a very expensive lunch and to give her her birthday presents, then it was girls night in, with Bec, Ames, Gem and Carla rewinding 10 years to night in watching chick flicks, Romy and Michelle High School Reunion and The Craft! Then Saturday little shopping trip with Steph and Gem and Cuppa with Yaz and quiet night in.  Sunday F1 and Football before taking little Sophie dog to Steve's parents for a little holiday whilst my parents have the garden paving redone and a night at Alton Towers for the 
Fireworks which are still the best ever and i love going on the rides in the dark.  The Fireworks were a nice end to my week off and my time of resting and thinking about the hardest October of my life.   
This week it's been back to work, the gym and back to reality i guess, carvery with the girls wed night and i started to think about the day it's impossible to avoid Christmas.  You see for me it's the build up to Christmas that I love.  It's the planning, shopping that makes me feel christmasy.  I'm not really sure how i feel about Christmas this year, after this last month it would be enough to make most people not want to think about Christmas, but this year i don't have my husband and my house.  I love decorating, although i normally have to Gem or my mum round to help me decorate the tree.  So this year i'm really gonna miss having my own house.  But the shopping i love, n i'm getting all organised now, wrap, bows n cards bought this week.  Christmas budget sorted and a cute little christmas note book from card factory 99p in handbag ready for lots of to do lists, planning n presents.  Gotta love a cute notebook!
So i guess christmas, looking after myself, work, friends and family are a good distraction right now. Life goes on and we all have to just find a way to get up in the mornings, keep fighting and live each day as it comes.  For me at the moment some of those days come easier than others, but i'm getting through them and have some amazing people around me to help me.  

Thank you for all ur support, love n friendship xxx Love you all xxx

Monday, 29 October 2012

My World Falls Apart.........

I haven't written a blog since the end of August, to be fair i have started so many times but i have never quite finished what i was writing, i've got distracted, lost my way or not really been able to honestly say what's really going on so i've been dancing round a subject and not being able to write honestly.  As you know the most important thing to me about this blog is to be true to myself.

I pretty much missed August and September due to my naughty lungs and screwed up head.  On 2nd August i blogged to say i was off to clinic that day and i knew i was probably gonna need some ivs, i'd had a busy few weeks but i was in for quite a shock when my lung function was pretty low! I spent 19 days in hospital battling with silly lungs that didn't want to get better, then another 9 days ivs at home only to end up with my lung function back where i started.  But after 4 weeks ivs they decided i'd had enough and needed to see how i go and so i came home needle free.  This was the 30th Aug, by the Sunday i'd started to feeling rubbish again, by the Tuesday i could hardly breathe and the Thursday 6th September i was back in hospital. 14 days later i finally get out and finally feel like my old self, not only had i been battling with my lungs i been battling with my head.

I guess the year of 2012 finally caught up with me and bit me on the ass! I was a complete mess, i cried my way though Aug and Sept, sometimes i'd cry and not even know why i was crying.  Crying isn't usually me, i cry when sad things happen, i cry in films but i don't really cry about my life.  I tend to just get on with it, each day a new day and i look forward to end of the day and the start of a new one if things haven't gone my way.

I felt like i was constantly balancing on a knife edge, twittering on the brink of tears streaming down my face and my head i just wanted to find an off switch!  I was completely unpredictable and had lost my smile.  The girl i knew n loved, was gone and i was left with that quivering wreck who i really didn't understand! My safe and happy place my car had become the place i cried the most, i love driving whether its 10 mins down the road or 3 hours to london! My car has always been the place i've done my best thinking, just me the open road, music up, but now it me, open road, music up and tears flowing! It didnt matter what i was thinking about, somehow i'd cry, it didn't matter i was listening too, i'd cry, i had no control over my emotions and felt so sad all of the time! I felt like i was living on a knifes edge, like one person could ask how i was and i'd be fine and the next well i'd be fighting back the tears.  

I couldn't even tell you what it was that had made me that way, i've had one hell of a year i guess, but it didn't seem like anything big was upsetting me, it felt like it was loads of little things, people who didn't understand and things and people who were doing things around me which seemed to just become my baggage, my problem and became just one more problem that i couldn't deal with.  Major stress that was not only controlling my thoughts but that were controlling my lungs too.  My chest just didn't want to behave, lung function up and down, drugs added and taken away.   In the end a mini breakdown was probably what i needed, i turned up at clinic in floods of tears with a bag packed and asked for help, this time i think they knew how to help me more.  Still to this day i'm not quite sure how i found myself in this place or what changed to make me snap out of it but the second 14 days in hospital for me were like an all round rehab, i fixed my head and fixed my lungs!

So 20th of Sept i came home, feeling like my old but kinda new self, i felt well and strong again, ready to face the world, this time being in hospital instead of just crying i'd talked.  Coming home wasn't easy, one of the hardest things i found was staying in and behaving.  For the first few days i ran around like a mad hatter as usual seeing all my friends, going back to work.  Then i slowed down a bit, found myself a routine with my medication again and started to find my life at home again.

On the 27th Sept, being the little cross infection rebel that i am, finally feeling well enough not to pass anything on, i went to see my friends Em n Az up at the hospital in Stoke.  I did my usual trick of staying for a good 6 or 7 hours, i guess when u lived in hospitals all ur life they just feel like home when you get there.  It's random what cf's get up to in hospital.  Aaron never wanted a cup of tea, so he did the usual ordering tea, 1/4 sugar for me and Emma actually made us both oatcakes for tea! I'm still in shock that emma made us tea.  I had seen Az for a good 8 weeks, been so poorly myself, i had to make sure i was feeling good.  I'm so glad i got to see him though, to be fair he sat n listened to me n emma talk for the whole time, whilst playing on phone or ipad, u know he was secretly listening, he'd pop up with a lil comment every now n then. I never for one second believed this was the last time i was gonna see him.
Aaron passed away on the following Tuesday 2nd October and right now i'm still stumped for words, in my cf world, he was my everything, he was my brother and right now i can't imagine my life without him.  If you know me, you know all about Aaron and everyone around me knew that if this day ever came u'd have to pick me up off the floor.  Still nearly a month on i don't know how i get out of bed in the morning, might be because i've had that weird craving for cheese spread on toast with beetroot salad again, yes i'm very weird! Aaron meant the world to me and so many others, personality like no other, cheeky n could get away with murder.  When i got the call from Chris (Aaron's dad) i was at home, just about nip out for a sneaky sunbed.  I think we all knew it could happened but never expected or wanted it too.  I always hoped for a miracle, i longed for a text message telling me they had been able to relist him for a transplant.  Aaron had been taken off after becoming really poorly following a bowel blockage, loosing loads of weight and needing blood transfusions.  Unfortunately as much as he tried life just wasn't going his way and he never was able to be re-listed and get a chance at a new life with shiny new lungs! That was all i ever wanted, i wanted him to have a life, Independence and to live a life being able to breath!

The night that Aaron died went up to the hospital to see Emma, Aaron was like my little bro and Emma my little sister. I needed to see how she was and i needed to just go and sit with her.  I got to the hospital and Emma was sat in waiting area with her mum, Emma been in hospital had been there all day, so brave and in the room when he passed away.  I had no idea Aaron was still on the ward, was never the reason i had gone there but everyone kept telling me i needed to go and say goodbye! I was shaking at the thought had never seen someone after they have passed away before.  I never went to see Natalie Buckley and i got to hospital 10 mins after Stacey Marsh had died and had chosen not to see them, Emma had seen them both, said to me it was the only way she could really believe they'd gone!

So i grabbed Emma's hand and went into his room! Emma had been in a few times and walked in sat on the bed with him and held his hand, whilst i just collapsed on the sofa sobbing. I remember his mum then told me i had to say goodbye, go hold his hand, give him a kiss or whatever i needed, but just to  look at his face n see that little smerk, almost like he wanted it too look like one big joke.  It wasn't a joke though, it was real, n he wasn't there anymore.  There were no tubes, no ivs, masks or anything, just aaron lay flat on the bed.  I walked round and tried to find the strength to sit on the bed.  His mum left me n emma to it, and we started talking bout some of the good old days. Eventually i found the strength to sit on the bed, my only words to come out of my mouth were "you little shit, y have u left me?".  I couldn't be angry i know he was tired, he'd had enough and he'd done it his way.  He'd a rough few days and decided he was ready so had turned his NIV off earlier that day, he went peacefully and in no pain, and sitting there with him, it was strange not seeing the strain of his body just trying to breathe but it was also comforting to see him at peace.  I remembering whispering to Emma like i didn't want him to hear me, "asking if he felt cold" she said it was just like he had had the fan on him, so i grabbed his hand.  Then i got a little worried, u know we've all seen films when bodies move, well Emma started to say if your still in this room Az listening to us and laughing at us, give us a sign, me suddenly petrified yelped out "but don't u dare move this body" we all knew Aaron the prankster, its the kind of thing he would of done, instead he just timed it perfectly for someone to open the door! I nearly fell off the bed i jumped that much! It was then time to leave, i gave him a kiss and left, was hardest thing ive had to do, but im so glad i did it.  When i think of him that night, it doesn't scare me or upset, i know he'd left this place and was free.

I went home that night and slept better than i thought i would, think i was emotionally exhausted, next day i got up and went to work.  Although i was completely useless, it was better than been at home on my own.  The day before just felt like a dream, i went to work everyday and tried to keep myself busy, denial that it had even happened was alot better than the reality.  I was exhausted though on the friday i put myself on oral antibiotics to cover me. On the saturday it was charity day at work, dressing up was last thing i wanted to do but i put my face on and dressed as a bunny.
Sometimes my own strength actually amazes me, however sometimes i just wish that life didn't have to go on, that there was a pause button i could hit whilst i get my head around whats going on! Saturday we had arranged for drinks at the Cherry Tree which was Az's favourite escape from the hospital the pub just down the road, all us CF's have spent alot of time in that pub, so it was perfect place for a cross infection party! We're a pretty big CF family here in stoke, all got to know each other way before the days of cross infection and segregation  so it's been possible to stop us been friends.  We're a tight bunch and we've lost so many friends along the way! We all grown up together and always been really close bunch so loosing anyone is really hard for us all.  

On the Monday morning i woke up and my body couldn't move, a night's sleep and i felt exhausted, so i did the thing i never normally do and rang in sick, i knew my body was telling me to slow down.  So i asked for tuesday off too, i really didn't want to end up on iv's again and i knew my little lungs weren't coping brilliant! Dehydrating with all the tears i had cried xx 

For all of us loosing Aaron was heartbreaking and on the Tuesday 9th a week later it was 1yr since Nat Sumner had died, so it was a sad day, (My Blog on Nat) so when on the Wednesday morning i got a call to say that Dave Taylor had died, well i couldn't believe it! Two from stoke in a week, both the lads, the lads that used to get up to so much mischief n just were glad to have each other with all these girls around! Dave was 22, i was texting him on the tuesday night talking about him having the bad bleeds he'd been having so for the next morning to get the call to say he had had a massive bleed and had died.  It's so tragic, Aaron as horrible as it was too loose him, was so poorly, but Dave saturday he looked so well and happy. 
This is the only photo i have of me and dave and it was taken 4 n half years ago at Aaron's 16th Birthday.  Knowing that Dave had gone so quick though and looking at Aaron's photo staring back at me, i could here Aaron telling me to make the call. So i did the right thing and rang to get appointment for clinic the next day. I knew now it was iv time, n if i didn't want to end up hospital and wanted to do them at home i had to get sooner rather than later!

My mum came with me to hospital, they could see i was exhausted n agreed iv's to cover me at this time was a good idea! My lung function wasn't too bad considering what i actually thought it would be! My weight how ever was shocking, lost 3kg, n i'd definately lost that in a week! I suddenly felt like skeleton, i could see hip bones, n bones in my hands i never knew were there, it was horrible looking in mirror, i was shocked.  I also had a blockage in my bowel, so it was time to bring the feed back, 3kg isn't something i can get back on my own! So i can home with bag full of ivs and nipped to tesco to fill the cupboards full of unhealthy snacks to pile the calories.  At the hospital i met the new consultant, Peter he's irish, i'd met him briefly on ward round, he was worried about me having the ivs at home with what i was going through but understood the place i needed to be write now was with my friends and family at home.  So it made me all the more determined to kick some CF ass.  

Friday night looking and feeling like complete and utter death i went with Ames to join the gym! Its a nice little gym, full of lots of gym freaks but didn't make me feel inadequate! It's not easy for someone like me to go the gym with all these people running on treadmill n lifting weights like they r peas! When there i am getting out of breathe having a little walk on the treadmill.  Ames is my perfect gym partner though she makes me feel like i can do anything and confident to just do what i can! 

So the Sat night was Sammie's leaving do from Monsoon, i was determined i was going out, so i spent the day on sofa saving the energy, and i did actually make it out, i wanted to be able to dance but my body had different ideas, but i was so glad to be able to go out and as usual was out to final few! I love me monsoon girlies xxx

I  love my nights out and i don't let my CF stop me having fun! N for a girl who looked liked death all day on the sofa, my my my i scrubbed up well! Need to get me back on them sunbeds! I proper faded in last few weeks! After this night out i had a week of work, n resting as well as two trips to the gym i was very proud of myself and started to feel really good about myself.  

Clinic really good for a change, i'd put 1.5kg and my lung function was highest it had been in months! "Joey finally kicked some CF Ass" i was so proud of myself! That first week of my ivs, looking after myself was a major priority! I'd held myself together all that week, seemed to getting through the days ok and coping way better than i thought i should be! I felt like i was in denial, not believing for a second that any of it at all happened! 

To be continued............................

Monday, 27 August 2012

Our Princess...... Natalie Buckley.... Miss You

Natalie - Words can't do you justice, but this is my little tribute to you, 5years after you left us.

I've been trying to find the words today to say how much i miss you, but those words just don't even justify what its really like.  You were and still are how i like to describe as our CF Princess.  People say i'm cute and tiny but that's how i saw you, so cute and fragile i sometimes felt like if i were to hug you too hard i made break you.  You were the heart and soul of every gathering, the girl that everyone was amazed by and truely blessed to know.  (Trying to write this without crying).  Your beautiful blonde hair which was always so perfect, your eyes that dazzled the world and showed you had so much love to give, so much you want to share out with your friends and family and that's why we all loved you so bloody much.

The day you left our world, free from pain and able to breathe was such a tragedy, no one ever expected you to go anywhere, least of all me, i know your fought to be here to the very last breathe and not for one second did you ever want to go.  I really hope your safe and well and that u are having a bloody amazing time with ur family and all our CF friends, i hope you don't get told off up there for cross infecting each other.  One day i know i'll be with you and you'll keep me safe and we'll be to party like we did here, inject vodka in our tummy tubes n get so drunk till we fall about laughing, cough n probably let out a little dribble of wee.  ha ha!! 

I'll never forget the night we made you laugh so much you actually did wet yourself and the bed!! ha ha xx

You know there was never anything bad anyone could ever say about you, n thats the truth, it's not what they'll say about me, but u were such an amazing friend i was so lucky to have you.  Life with you was just simple, easy you knew me and how i felt and it was just a natural friendship.  

I remember when i had just got with Steve and i got booted out the big fancy room so you could have it, i was not happy but then when you rang me and they said u might have that horrible bug that meant i could never see you again i broke down, luckily you didn't and we were soon back to causing trouble on the hospital wards.  I loved been in hospital with you, everyday a mini little drama of our troublesome CF lives but everyday a little adventure of the mischief we could get up to, the notes we would send round between in each other in nurses n physio's pockets, the texts we would send when we had little visitors to our rooms and we were up to know good and needed to cover for each other!! Yes u know what i'm talking about Miss Buckley, although i'm def sure i spent more time covering for u, u were a naughty little one!! hee hee! Hey u been gone 5 years now its time to let the little secret out (i can here u screaming at me for that one now as i'm typing). But hey we had fun and we never let been in hospital ruin our fun.  

Its 9.30pm and this day is almost over for another year, its not like i don't think of you all time, but this bank hol like every year before i relive every second of what happened.  I know everyone else does too, u left a huge whole in everyone hearts that now only filled with memories and sadness that your not here to make more with.  

I wanted to write this last night but i wasn't in the right head space, i was tired after that shopping spree tribute day i had with gem and steph for you.  I miss how you shopped in the kids section with me! Now its just me running round in the aged 11/12 clothes from new look, kids of got way more fashionable these days u would of loved it and i'm sure you would of loved my discount at accessorize too.  

I bet ur pretty busy up in heaven u have so many people to be a guardian angel of, but feel free to come see me, make a noise, knock something off, not anything i have to clean up though, u know i hate cleaning, but i know sometimes i think of you and you make me feel strong, i wish i had you too talk to, i know you probably would of done me a favour and told that silly husband of mine how stupid he been loosing me, he probably would of been quite scared of you (ha ha) xx So cute n tiny but boy you were fiesty, i loved everything about you, u were true, honest and definately spoke your mind.  If i can be anything like you as a friend to people i would be so proud.  (bloody crying now you softy). 

So i guess it's time to put on the song i been hoping to avoid all day.  Christ the song kills me, i hate the fact your not here, 5 years on the days get easier, the pain hurts a little less but i still miss you.  

Stay safe sweetie, breathe easy every moment of everyday and none of us will ever forget that you were apart of our world.  

I love you so much!! :) xxx 

Until we meet again, n u had better be there waiting for me, although its gonna be a bloody long wait, cuz i fight for the both of us now! 

All my love forever....... Sleep tight!! xxx

Thursday, 2 August 2012

Laughter the best medicine! :) xxx

Ok i'm sitting on my sofa, snuggled under blanket with a cuppa,  tissues, paracetamol and the olympics on.  I'm so loving the olympics, my favourite sport surprising has been the rowing, i love waking up n flicking it on, not that u ever gonna catch me rowing, one row n my arms would want drop off.  Struggling bit this morning, chest feels mega clogged, i''m tired and my head feels little messed up.  So when i need to clear my head this is where i come.  Once i've cleared my head, i'm gonna go clear my chest big time n then maybe clear up my bedroom, i been a messy pup last few weeks purely because i've not been in much.

I had a brilliant few weeks, i've got a few amazing friends who are keeping me strong and more importantly making me laugh, i honestly don't remember the girl who laughed like this, i have laughed so hard my stomach has hurt tears n i've ended up in huge coughing, n well they say laughter is the best medicine n well u girls u truely are my medicine at the moment.  I always thought of my self as the serious kinda friend, the girl who pops round for a cuppa n has a chat n goes again, i think i've always been someone that people can talk to but not someone u'd rely on to cheer u up n make u laugh.  One of my friends actually said u can tell the difference in me, i look alot happier lately.  N u know what i am.  I actually love how no matter what the situation i can always rely on them to find something funny about it and away to make me laugh!

I still have my days when my head screwed n i'm over thinking things way too much! But hey i'm still only human, i wish i could actually just curl up n go sleep sometimes to shut my head down, but i've never been one to sleep in the daytime, not even when i'm ill can i sleep.  Instead i just over think n get teary.  When i think i bout my marriage n steve i just feel incredibly sad, i had everything i ever wanted once, someone to love me, make me feel safe and make me happy, but we didn't work, in the end i think we actually didn't really have that much in common, maybe we changed too much, we were always happy together but led very separate lives outside the house.  He never would spend time with me and my friends and family, so i always saw them alone and when he did, i'd have to drag him n he would be such a miserable arse i'd wish i'd left him at home.  N he knows it was true, i don't want that again i want someone who's gonna be proud to go places with me, who will like my friends n who will make an effort to get to know them, i know everyone can't like everyone, trust me there a lot of people in this world who i would struggle to make the effort with but just someone who tries.

I actually feel so much better about the life i had with steve, i know we don't work and i know we happier apart, all i want is us to be friends, still feel like i can text, call and know he's there.  Its hard to think of a life with out him in it, but i think i now find i'm actually OK with thinking about a life without him being my husband.

I'm not scared of love, i'm not scared of being hurt, what i am scared of is being on my own forever.  What i miss is that feeling of knowing (pause for the tears trickling). "deep breath" What i miss is that feeling of knowing u have someone in ur life u can go home to who loves you no matter what, who when ur feeling happy is happy for you, when ur feeling sad, puts there arms round you and when u feeling so stupidly in love with someone u know they feel that too.

Sometimes i scare myself with how honest i can be writing this blog, it started off as life about my CF, CF used to take over my life and it was all i had to write about.  Now my health is so much better, me, the married me, the girl this time last year didn't really have a great life, i'd drag my little ass out of bed feeling horrendous, cough my head off whilst having a huge coughing fit, sit down with breaky n be lucky to make it to work on time, i'd work, coughing, feeling ill n exhausted n then the girls would ask me at end my shift if i was doing anything, n i'd be excited at the thought of going home sitting on sofa with a cuppa n watching tv n going to bed at half 9.  It wasn't a life i was ready for, but it was a life that maybe because i was so unhappy i led.

Now well i still have to drag my little arse out of bed (but thats cuz i'm out all time n go bed late), i get up, i do my nebs most days, i have breaky without a nasty coughing fit to exhaust me, n i get ready for work n most days i actually make an effort because i actually have the energy too.  I do have a lot more confidence in myself, i still remember where i came from, u know if u went school with me or saw the photos i was an ugly little duckling, n now well i'm a beautiful little swan.

This last week i been feeling bit chesty, sometimes with CF u get that feeling u just need a little boost, for me i think i probably actually need a wee little rest, but i'm loving my life too much for that, but i do know i gotta slow down a little, out on a tuesday night till 4am n then work at 12, joey does need more sleep, although this morning i feel lots better! I was in London for the weekend n went to Thorpe Park with my brother and then we had centre court tickets at Wimbledon for first day of the olympics, we saw Serena Williams n Federer which was brilliant. but the best game for me was was watching the young british girl, the atmosphere was amazing.

I'm going back to london in a few weeks time for my girl Sophie Gannon 1yr transplant party, today 1 year ago her mummy was told there was nothing more they could do, her mum fought for her, n Harefield and an amzing Donor saved her life.  Now a year on she's still here, she's amazing and i can't wait too go down and see her again.

Its also a year since i think i actually knew my marriage was over, so i've been dealing with this for a long time.  N now i wanna move forward with my life, i feel ready, but i don't ever want to forget the past and i don't wanna cry anymore.

Who knows if i'll ever find someone again, someone who will love me n accept everything about me.  But i have a good life now, i have amazing people around me, my friends n family mean the world too me and who really look out for me and i know they'll always be there.  

N u know what i feel good now, writing this really helps, so i'm gonna go do my nebs and kick some CF ass today at clinic then meet my lovely sister in law for tea.

I love each n every one of u in my life, i love how special u make me feel and i thank u each n everyday for helping me through my life xxxxx :)

:) xxxx

Sunday, 1 July 2012

I feel like i've lost myself!

Where the bloody hell as Joey gone, i can't seem to find myself this week, one minute i'm crying, next i'm laughing.  I've learn't to cry n pull myself together so know one knows its happened to be honest.  I love driving, driving is my time to think and clear my head, lately it's been the thing keeping me sane, i love just getting in the car when im on my own, it's me the open road my tunes and i sing at top of my voice, it's no wonder it's rained all week!! Sorry everyone, but hey i was enjoying myself!! :)

I've not blogged since the skydive, so it's probably why i feel a little bit screwed up at the moment, i used to writing everything down on here and keeping a clear and positive mind about life.  This week was my wedding anniversary and my birthday, the first without my husband, the only way i can describe how i feel about it is sadness, i was sad that 3 years ago i was so truely happy, i had the best day of my life and i am sad that we just didn't work.

I still don't really understand how we went wrong, what happened or what changed but i know i fell out of love with him long before we actually split up, i thought that loving him was enough, now i know it wasn't.  What if i make the same mistakes again, one day hopefully i'll find love again, i don't wanna be alone, although i do love having my bed to myself, i just miss having someone there to put there arms around me.  Part of me will always love him, i'll never forget our life together but i think i'm finally in a place where i can let go of it.  My wedding anniversary i cried because, well because i'm human i guess, i know steve won't of cried, christ i would need stick pins in his eyes to make that happen but hey we all deal with shit differently.  I've always been lil emotional, i say it like it is,  i say it straight down the line, what u see is what u get, n if i cry, well deal with it cuz i'm not gonna change me for no one.

I don't like the person i've been this last week though, Lately i've felt like i've not been in control of my own life, like i've been controlled or been doing stuff to make other people happy and i forgot about myself.  I'm the god damn important one in my life and i need to remember my life it's all about me!! May sound a little selfish, but aint we all, i need to surround myself with people who make me happy and i need to do things my way.  I got lost and now i've got to find my way back. Tonight i'm hoping getting all this off my chest will help.

Had naughty little lungs tonight, they had a bleed, but it was controlled, coughed up n over, i don't let crap like that stop me, i take the pills n tomorrow i will restart the nebs n i will fix myself, i think its been last few days of me virus just causing me little agro cuz i been stressed n back at work.  I had a great 2 weeks off work, although i missed my monsoon girls who really do help to keep me saine, they probably have no idea how much i need them all and love them so much but i do.  You'd think that a shop full of 15 girls working together would be a bitchy environment but it's really not, we all have such a good time together and i have the best nights out with them.

We went out a few weeks ago for Sammie's birthday and had a great night, we got 6 bottles of champagne for free cuz i stalked the DJ a little!! :) he was cute though! n then we got another 2 in liquid cuz one of the girls knows the assistant manager, i was out from 8pm and rolled in at 4.30 am.  I actually looked at my clock at 10 to 4 and said to Sammie why r we still here!! lol xx We had the best time though and was worth the lil hangover the next day!!

If u were to ask my parents where i been last few weeks, they'd say "out" i had a nasty virus which stopped me in my tracks for a few days at the start of my weeks off but i soon kicked that in to touch and decided i wasn't letting it ruin my time off, i was so impressed after feeling crappy with the virus for two weeks that my lung function still kicked ass, so i was happy girl, lung function was still 46%.  So I spent time with friends and had a smile on my face for a few reasons, i was happy, then who knows what happened, monday was my birthday and from the night onwards i've not been the girl that i know n i love.  I've felt lost! It's like a little psycho popped out of me and i don't know how to put her away, she freaked me out and scared me and made me act strange.  Me the real me is calm and laid back, at moment i feel like i'm living on the shortest fuse! I don't actually recognize myself, i went to sunbed the other day purely to calm myself down.  Sunbeds always make me feel happy! :) but i can't afford them each day, although i will be going tomorrow, gotta get tan back i was going pale n looking ill. So if anyone has seen the real me please send her back to me, cuz i miss her.

I'm used to be so together, i keep my cards close to my chest and i'm very careful who i let in and to what part of my life.  Everyone knows i talk alot, in fact i get in trouble for talking all time at work.  But I judge people on what i think they will understand about me, i'm a complex lil chick n some people, people who i'm really close to just don't get my CF, but that's ok, i'll tell them what they need to know, when they need to know it, there r some people i wouldn't talk to about my relationships because i'd never want them to know, then there are some people i would like to let in and for them to one day know everything, but i'm too scared too, so i just talk random crap and avoid subjects because it just makes life easier.

Maybe it;s because i haven't actually been shopping this week i'm not my happy joey self, maybe thats what i should do tomorrow.  As well as sort out my belated birthday nightout for next saturday.

Well im hoping now i've kinda got some crap out my head i'll be able to sleep well tonight and wake up as me again tomorrow!

Love you all n thank u too those who being there for me lately.  U know u mean the world to me!! xx

Monday, 28 May 2012

The Best Thing I've Ever Done - The Skydive

I think i've gone on and on and on about it and if you're friends with me on Facebook you'll prob be relieved that i've finally done my Skydive and i will not be filling your news feed anymore with my Justgiving links (lol).

Lungs are you ready to jump! Yes they were, my two weeks IV's pre the Skydive turned out a top lung function of 1.2 litres FEV1 46%, the highest number i remember in years prob at least 10years, so my lungs seriously kicking some CF but at the moment, it's about time and perfect timing for our big day.  The thing i was most worried about was been able to breathe.  But i hoped with my lungs been in top condition i'd be ok.

All week i'd be so excited telling everyone i met i was doing a skydive on Saturday, even my lovely friend Sammie who now does my nails had a little Skydive challenge to do, i wanted Skydive nails, lol! N she did them fab, i loved them xx :) She so amazing at doing nails xx

The day started with a 6am alarm call and a very tired Joey crawling out of bed to sit on my little stool, putting my face on and straightening my hair, half asleep! No excitement, no stress just numb! I soon woke up and was ready for 7 to hit the road to Nottingham.  Langar Airfield is about 1hr 15 mins from my house and we had to be there by 8.30am to book in.  I was there at 8.25 and as i was organising it for 19 other people too, was soon into organisation mode, giving out T.Shirts etc, collecting sponsorship money and telling everyone where they had to go! So i was one of the last people of our group to book in with my mum and Ula.  The three of us wanted to dive together.

My next job was to set up my cake stall, i had to call my lovely grandma n grandad into the rescue to run it for me, they had made me 50 little cakes, so had Emma's mum, my mum and Pip.  We sold them for 50p a cake! We made £72 on little stall so thanks to everyone who made them and bought them.

I seem to be very lucky with the days i've picked last two years for skydive, beautiful sunshine and everyone had a lovely day sunbathing and chilling whilst waiting for there name to be called and was great for all the people who came to watch too, i told everyone this year to bring deck and camping chairs and blankets and suncream.

What a beautiful week it's been and i'm so glad sunshine lasted over weekend to make another perfect day for skydiving, the wind got a little bit choppy though and they said they might have to cancel late afternoon but luckily we were ok.

I love watching everyone jump and seeing them come down and land then have the biggest smile on there faces, no one can describe the feeling and me i can't describe it either, i just loved every minute of it once i was actually out the plane.  i'd spent the whole day organising running around and speaking to everyone the reality that i was actually doing it myself didn't really set in till i started to get changed.  

I had such a lovely instructor, i told him i had CF and i was little scared of not being able to breath when i jumped out, he was like thats fine, just stay calm and if u feel urself struggle just shout anything out! it will make ur breathing better.

Before we walked to the plane!! :)
I had paid for the video so i had a camera man with me, so getting on plane we had to keep pausing to give a big wave etc, then on the plane every now in then i'd have a camera in my face, now i know how everyone else around me feels, being camera queen i'm always shoving my camera in peoples faces, hee hee but hey who always has best piccies after a day out, me!!! :) So this guy had better be good, it maybe his day job but camera queen is my title. lol  I have watched my video its funny and you can watch it at the end of my blog!! :) Something to look forward to hey after my babbling xx lol
On the plane i start to brick it, reality set in that i was about to really jump out of a plane, my instructor kept running through little things with me, he'd say "what's the position for when we jump out" i'd cross my arms over my chest, and say i had to bend my knees out the plane to try n kick his bum! lol! Then when he taps me on shoulder i can move my arms to freefall position, and landing i had to put my hand under my knees and pull my legs up as high as i could! All sound like simple instructions but i swear no matter how many times they went through them with me, they'd go into my head and out two seconds later.

U can tell from my face on this photo, i'm scared, shitless now!! lol xx But still no questions in my mind, i was going to do it and although i was scared i was also so excited.

At 10,000 ft, we had to put the horrible hat on, really not a fashion accessory, the suit had already turned me into fat little joey! So the hat and delightful goggles i'm sure made my little face a little chunky! :) He ran through everything with me again an told me after singles jumpers we' be first out of the Tandems's! Argh!

In my own head i was like just listen to everything he says and nothing will go wrong, In front of me sat on the plane there were about 4 single divers and couple of camera men, when the doors opened, my instructor said to, right we're first out, lets show your mum and friend we're confident and ready to go! My heart was pounding, i took a few deep breaths n slowed my breathing down.  Within the space of about 5 seconds the 4 singles divers walked to the door and just fell out!

Then it was my turn, all that was going round in my head was "oh shit oh shit oh shit, i'm actually gonna jump out of this thing".  Next i was hanging out the door, i hoped to be able to turn, wave to mum n Ula and shout love you, but no chance of that, my instructor was sit on the edge of the plane, i was hanging and i mean just hanging between his legs, i tried to give a lil wave to camera man who was standing on the edge holding on to a rail, there wasn't even a 1,2,3 go! We just suddenly went!

Now at this point, me, yes me, is lost for words, there are no words to describe the feeling of freefalling, we were at around 13,000 ft, 2.5 miles i think he said! We freefalled for about 40 seconds, my mouth went so dry and i swear on video i'm like smacking my lips together!! ha ha!! :) I kept wanting to laugh but that impossible when ur cheeks a wobbling, i kept trying to pull my hamster cheek smile but i could close my mouth, ur don't really have much control whilst ur freefalling xx

The camera man was at first freefalling right below me, i kept trying to wave, but my arms were kinda flapping around, then the camera man disappeared, seems he was filming me from above, then suddenly he popped back in front me, then we opened the parachute, that prob the strangest bit, u can get yanked backwards, as we went up abit because the parachute opened, the camera man just dropped to like a dot in front of my eyes, i went to scream "Nnnnnnoooooooo!!!! See him just drop was scary, but i soon forgot about him, we were floating around and the views were amazing.  The camera apparently opens his parachute a few thousand feet below so as the parachute don't tangle!

Once we were gliding around my first thoughts were did my mum n Ula jump, i could see my mum, she was actually just below me, and then he twirled me round abit so i could see Ula, she was below me too, even though i jumped first, the weight meant they were below me, so i could see them spinning around and floating and then i watched them land safely all whilst i was still floating around.

He let me hold on to the controls and then we pulled down on one side and was spinning around to left, then pulled the other way and was spinning to the right!! It was ace, i think as i was actually able to scream them i let a few "wwwwooooohhhhhhooooooo's"!

Then it was time for landing, i lifted my legs as high as i could, i've realised for a tiny little one i'n really that flexible, or maybe it was my fat suit or short arms! But landing was fine, landed on my bum, straight away instructor tried get my helmet off, he said the camera man coming , then i scrambled to my feet, and was talking to camera, i told him i wanted get my nails on camera, that Sammie had done me and when we hit the ground he remembered, hee hee!! :) x I've loved my nails all week! They were ace! :)

Then he gathered up parachute and we walked accross the field, i was so excited, he actually asked me what i'd been most worried about, i said in true joey form "shitting myself" lol! Then i explained to poor guy i had been on ivs my bowels were like water and i'd taken 4 lots of diarrhea tablets, he laughed at me and said thank you for taking the tablets, but then told me people had actually wee'd on him before! lol xx

Then i got across to my dad i had some photos taken, i was so excited and happy, it's a feeling i didn't want to go away, Ula was absolutely buzzing, hugging Bones and thanking him, lol and chattering away to everyone n anyone.  lol.  Mum had to go get suit off cuz her harness was digging in her, she ha been up with the guy i call Banana Man, who actually remembered me from last year, which was nice, considering i didn't jump i just ran around taking photos of everyone! :) xx but he did jump with Steve last time, he was the one guy i didn't wanna go up with cuz he so tall u wouldn't even see me!! ha ha!

All in all it was a fabulous day, the weather was perfect, everyone was able to sunbathe and relax whilst waiting and watching everyone jump! It was a great bunch of people i got together and they put loads effort into fundraising and i've spent yesterday counting up the money so far that people have handed in!

Me my fundraising went absolutely amazing, i was so lucky to such generous friends and family, even people who don't really know me but are friends with me on Facebook.  My target started off like everyone else at £400, this a few weeks ago when i really kicked my fundraising into gear,  I paid for the full skydive myself and the camera man, so every penny i raise if going to the charity.  At the moment my total is sitting at £1182!! Would love to make it to £1200. xx

My justgiving site is still running and if you would like to sponsor me you can online or via text.  Simply Text Joey84 followed by £2, £3, £4, £5 or £10 to 70070 or by clicking the following link for my online justgiving page.  "Joey's Skydive Justgiving Page"

So here for the big finish of my skydive blog!! For you to all watch my video!!! Argh!!! xxxxxxxx
I've had to upload it to you tube so u can watch it!

Hope you enjoyed the video, if you couldn't view it, i will be putting link on my facebook!!

Thank you every one who sponsored me and supported me!! I love you all!! :)