Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Sometimes i wonder how i get out of bed each day!

Someday's i honestly wonder how i have the strength to get out of bed, someday's i'm so tired of being so strong i just wanna hide away. Don't get me wrong i still have a few days where i spend most of it in bed, but they are more like lazy days watching TV or something, rather than me physically or emotionally not getting out of bed! 

People tell me they think i'm amazing and how they wouldn't be coping half as well as what i have with the last year or just generally my life, but i guess everyone finds away to cope.  Some turn to drink, drugs and not ways i would ever advocate but i guess its there way of dealing with it.  Me i guess i use distraction therapy, try my best not to think and keep as busy as i can.  Which is easier said than done, one little bit of time to think and i could cry! Crying doesn't make me weak, i know that for sure, cuz i know i'm a tough little cookie, but i've always been emotional! Although these days the things i would of blubbed my heart out too i'm like ice queen, ball of steal and filling up but no tears! I don't cry at the usual things i used to, the soaps, soppy films etc, now i'm actually crying for me n real life, sometimes it really does get a little too much for me and i find myself in daft situation trying to fight back the tears, swallowing the lump in the back of my throat and trying to find a smile to put on my face! I'm getting pretty damn good at pulling myself together , this yr especially i've had to do it so many times!  

Everytime i think things are settling down, that i feel like i'm getting back on track, bang! My happy places become sad places, people i cared about being hurt and feeling pain beyond belief, people becoming ill n generally people just not been who i thought they were, as well as some people leaving my life all together through no choice of there own.  It's a cruel and wicked world we live in and i just wish it would all calm down and give not just me but the people i love and care about a break!!

Life's hard and things are sent to test us, i'd like to think i've passed the test this year with flying colours and there is a huge prize on it's way too me, big win on lottery would do nicely me thinks! N yes, i do actually do lottery every week and now pay by direct debit so i don't forget! I love to daydream about what i'd do if i won lottery! Weird thing is i don't really know what i'd do for myself, you see for most the world their oyster, for me it's not! Lungs keep my feet flat on the floor and stop me dreaming of an amazing jet set life style.  I always think about how i'd help my friends, set them up with houses, business and i'd just be silent partner.  Little like Alan Sugar, with all his apprentices, well i'd just have my friends running business's of there dreams and mine!! I'd obviously make sure my family were looked after and that there dreams came true and i would have a few holidays, maybe hire myself a cf nurse to just look after me, ivs when needed, port flushes and then maybe i could live the jet set life style. Sooooooo lost in my thoughts of winning right now! ha ha!!

I guess as much as i think i've had enough right now, there is always someone else worse off, friends fighting for their lives, CF can be such a bitch and people in general just having a shit time with life.  I said the other night on my facebook status that life is a game, it's true, from day u born to day u die, your just gotta play.  We don't win all the time, sometimes we play the best innings we can and still come out a loser, but as long as we get back up and play again, we're still living and thats what matters.  It's how we choose to play the games.  

Now i know everyone not born with the inner strength to fight like cf's have, some people i do find frustrating, i'm not saying there weak but they just don't seem to have a very strong outlook on the world, little things n its all over, people who's facebook status's are full of them winging there bags off everyday about nothing! dying because they sneezed, broke a nail or just tired! To those people i'd love to say "come live my life for a day" come breathe with my battered lungs, come walk in my kids shoes, come eat with my rotten digestive system, just come be me! You'd so go back to your old life thinking how amazing you have it! I have people that i look up to, people who fight every day people who's lives i dread to think might be my reality one day, they are my inspiration to get up, fight and not to winge my bag off! Although sometimes i think i'm allowed a little winge, even if it is about the wingers on my newsfeed.  

So this one i'm gonna throw back to you, what makes u get up in the morning! Other than your job and fact u need money that is! But what really makes u get up, keep fighting and living on!

I say it's for the people you love and care about.  That's why i get up! That's why i stay strong and that why i keep on fighting everyday.  Yes, i'm sick of all the crap that comes along each day and quite frankly would love a break but it won't stop me getting out of bed tomorrow, or the next day or the day after that.  

I leave u with this quote i found, which makes me feel quite sad! There is always someone who loves, u, needs you and who's life is so much better because your in it!!! 

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