One door closes another one opens!

For a change not so much of a blog that's all about my CF! Although sometimes I wonder what makes people read this, do you click on my blog because i'm ur friend Joanne Hughes and you want to read all about me or do you think "oh that's the girl with cf i wonder if she's ok?"  I hope it's a mixture of the two!! I kinda have this thing because i'm just plodding along living my life not on transplant list that i'm not as interesting as some of my other CF friends who blog regularly! I'd love to get my followers up, i guess people don't need to follow because i post my blog updates on facebook all the time so you just click the link and read away.

So i sit n wonder is my life actually interesting n do people like to read about it! Tonight i've kinda filled the news feed by setting up a Facebook page called Little-Miss to have a place to post my blogs! N maybe do little updates rather than my random status's! On my new page i've put in up the last few blog posts from this year for people to have a read thru, if u never read my blog before, then Welcome.

Things have changed alot for me over the last few months, i'm not sure everyone knows yet as i've not been able to change my profile on facebook, changing my status makes it all a little too real, something i'm not quiet ready for yet, but i'm guess i'm kind ov ready to let you all know that me and my husband split up at the end of January.  I guess really we just grew apart, stopped talking, spending time together, we were like two friends sharing a house n a bed.  N his snoring was ssssoooo getting annoying that i was even starting to save for bed for the spare room, some nights i really couldn't sleep, n i'd get so angry! I'm sure some of you know exactly what i'm talking about.

So after coming home from Wythenshawe i finally felt strong enough to come home and move all my stuff out the house and move to my parents.  So here i am, currently actually sleeping on a matress in middle of living room floor as i've decided to decorate the room, if this really is the end of my marriage then moving home has to be a fresh start and a new me! A girl who looks after herself, wants to stay well and has the power and strength to get thru this.  I've kept my little doggie Sophie, oh how i love her, she just cuddles up to me and gives me cuddles and makes everything feel ok, when i've cried she's even licked my tears.

Splitting up was a real shock to me, i thought we were going to talk and try and work at things, so i was shocked to find out Steve had decided he wanted to be on his own, the thing that broke me was the feeling of been unloved! Like why wouldn't he want to be with me anymore, why is being on his own in life, better than being with me.  I understand we weren't making each other happy, i was so miserable and i probably didn't realise how much of an affect it was having on my health.  Sometimes i look back i think maybe i let myself get ill cause i wanted attention of the one person who i felt wasn't interested in my life anymore, but i think that just pushed him away more.

So i'm lucky i have such amazing friends and family around me, i had so many wonderful visitors in Wythenshawe to help me through everything, been away from home at the beginning was really tough, i cried alot, but once i settled in, i started to realise that ending up hospital for min of two weeks was gonna do one of two things, "make me or break me!"  I'm lucky it made me, getting away actually gave me the chance to deal with what was going on, cuz trust me i'd not only lost my husband, i'd lost me too.

I think i'm slowly starting to find me, coming out of hospital after 2 n half weeks i felt strong enough to go pack my life in my house up, which took 4 cars n a van with my furniture in, steve pretty much has a sofa, 2 tvs and a bed left.

My mum, dad and my brother have been absolutely amazing, they welcomed me home as if i'd never left, they've moved heaven n earth to make me n sophie feel safe, loved and happy living here.  Sophie is even getting walked twice a day, although in the mornings she prefers to stay in bed with me than be dragged out in the cold, but my dad's working on her! She's his get fit plan!  

I have no choice but to rebuild my life here, which is why i've had the room plastered and bought myself new bedding curtains, lamp n some trinkets, to help give me a fresh start.  My brother has given up the big bedroom which was mine for 21 years and he's moved back into the box room.  We're all living in a right mess at the moment, boxes and stuff everywhere and i hope to get painted n sorted n unpacked this weekend.  So i can start to get into a routine at the moment, i'm not even straightening my hair and have lost my brush, i'm using my dad's comb n just giving my hair a quick blast with hair dryer.

One way i'm trying to get me back in my tan, i've been going the sunbed shop so i can be brown again, there really is something about a tan that makes u feel so much better about yourself.  It helps hide my pale n ill days too! N i'm trying to be really good with my treatment too, i really want to stay well now!

My life in such a different place right now, but i'll always love Steve, he's my best friend and i miss him everyday.  I truly thought we were meant to be forever and i believed he'd be the one holding my hand when my final days come.  I hope one day he realizes what he's lost, the best day of my life was my wedding day and everyone who was there could see how much we truly loved each other, he was so happy that day, a grin permanently on his face!

What happened in those two n half years i don't know, i hate that we've failed and hate that we're not still living our lives together, maybe one day hey! I know if we are mean't to be we will be! I don't want to find anyone else and i don't want to be single, i want to be his wife forever! But i know n i mean i really know that for a long time we've not been making each other happy so i know this is probably the right thing for us! Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell!

Luckily we ended on good terms, if i ever could of asked for a way to break up i guess this would be it! After we had decided to break up, i asked him to take me out for tea to the Orient Chinese Buffet place we always went, i wanted Satay Chicken and Jelly n Ice Cream! We had a really good chat, it was like instantly neither of us had to try anymore and we were just able to talk.  We text and speak on phone, i know he will always be there for me and i've even spent last two sunday's with him n sophie dog at the house watching top gear and some random programme on bio we found called storage wars, its so stupid but it's kind of entertained us! lol! I'm so glad i can still see him and we can be friends because 6 years is along time to share everyday with someone and them knowing everything about you, i would hate it if i couldn't still tell him things!

He's never read my blog before, doubt he'll start now, i always wanted him too, i thought maybe he'd understand me more if he did, when i used to sit n write them he's occasionally look over my shoulder n read out in a squeaky voice my words, putting me right off, but making us laugh! I'm not sure he'd laugh reading this blog to me i guess it's all become real now! For him he's working all the time and going bed early, so he doesn't have time to miss me!  i guess i'm keeping really busy too, packing, unpacking, moving, working it's all keeping me busy and once i unpack and move in properly who know's how i feel.  I have people around me all the time so it's hard to feel lonely, but sometimes i do when i get into bed a night! But i been watching Glee before bed to take my mind off thinking!

But now i really need to go to bed! :) x I'm tired n have work tomorrow, so i need to set up camp in the living room! I've sleep well tonight i think!

So here's to my new start! On plus side paying my dad £150 a month for bills n food is alot cheaper than the £450 i was paying, so i'll be able to sort my finances out, pay off my credit card, treat myself to a new laptop and maybe try get away on holiday! I have more time to spend with my friends and more determination to stay well! I always thought Steve was my motivation for living, maybe the last year or so he's actually been apart of my crap health, i'm not blaming him for one second, whatever went wrong with us took 2. I just wish i'd realised before things had got so bad.

So bare with me whilst i find myself again! N thank you to all my friends and family for all there help and support!! xxxxxxx