Saturday, 12 May 2012

I wish you knew me now! :) x

I've watched a couple of films today, all with there happy endings all with tears streaming down my face wishing I still had mine.  I thought i had it all, i really believed i had all i ever wanted, so why the hell did i stop fighting for it and wanting it.  If you read my blog and u can take one think from me and my life at the moment then please never stop showing the person you love how much you love them.  I did and that's why i'm in this mess, my heart is all over the place, my head doesn't know what to think anymore and my eyes are sick of water running out of them.

From my facebook it's looks like i'm having the time of my life, i am having a great time, i have some amazing friends and i love spending time with them, these days i hate to stay in, i want to be out all the time.  It's nothing to do with living at home with my parents, because they are brilliant with me, don't ask for much just want to know if i'm home for tea or not.  Just things have changed and i'm different, not because i'm on my own now but because i actually feel well enough to do these things.  

I can't believe the difference in me and how i feel with my naughty little lungs.  The last two years from Jan 2010 to Jan 2012 i had 17 iv courses, i only felt well for about week and half post iv's before i'd start on my decline back to needing the iv's again, sometimes only lasting a crappy three weeks.  I did nearly all those iv courses at home and it took alot out of me and put a huge strain on my relationship with my husband, he stopped being my husband the person i loved and wanted to do anything with, he became the person i relied on to care for me.  I never wanted that and i don't think he was ready for it, so our spark just fizzled out.  I wasn't the person he married, it's no wonder we went so wrong.  

We stopped making time for each other and even wanting to spend time together, his freedom was his friday nights with mates and weekends on his bike.  I would never say no, please don't go out, can you spend some time with me, because i knew he worked all week so hard for us to have our house and life together that his weekends were his time and that it was his escape.  Problem was i stopped being a factor in his time, he stopped wanting to spend time with me and i was feeling too sorry for myself to bother, if either of us had any space money we wouldnt spend it on each other, i'd by clothes to cheer me up and the bike would get all his money. I never liked his motorbike, it's no lie, i was always so petrified of something happening to him on it that i didn't want to know anything about his trips to wales or that he got his knee down on the roundabouts.  But i guess that wouldn't of mattered, i should of tried harder, because i lost him anyway.  His bike still gets to spend time with him and i don't.

I don't regret my life with Steve not for one second and even if i knew what i know now 6 years ago, i would still of married him but i would of made more of an effort to stop this happening to us.  We were so happy and i look back and miss how happy we were.  I knew for along time things weren't right, but i didn't know how to fix it.  I guess i always believed he'd always love me and that would be enough, now i know loving someone isn't enough, because without all the other stuff love just really isn't enough. All i had in my life was CF, it was taking over me and becoming everything, i didn't have anything to talk to him about and he stopped wanting to hear it, he wasn't interested in my life, n we just used to sit there not walking, he kinda decided if he wasn't interested in me, i wasn't in him and i stopped asking how his day was, how work was, i don't think he could be arsed to tell me even if i had of asked.  My life at home with him was sat on sofa, same place everyday, tv on, laptop on, facebook.  Telling anyone else who'd listen about my life, we'd watch tv together, but we'd never talk about what was on, only thing we'd really chat about was little Soph.  

Writing about it makes it sound so sad, we really did waste an amazing relationship and i feel like i've lost my best friend.  Now i wanna tell him everything, i want to do everything with him, i wanna be the wife i should of been.  But i don't know how to, he ended things and i know he spent along time thinking about how we were just friends living together and he just didn't love me the same.  Honestly i didn't love him same either, i walked away knowing we were over and all the reasons why, i didn't fight for him because i didn't see the point.  He the kinda person who makes his mind up about something n sticks to it, me i'm an emotional little mess that would cry alot and not really do anything to make changes.  That's what i'm doing now, i can't sit still because i think, if i think i cry and i want to do something about it but i don't know what to do, too scared of being rejected i guess.  I honesty don't believe we'll ever get back together because i know the man i married.  I feel like he gave up on me and didn't give me a chance and now it's all over.  

Somedays, weeks i cope quite well, those are days i keep myself so busy i don't have time to think.  Those are the days i'm happy, the days you wouldn't know how much i'm hurting inside, those are the days i'm coping well.  So its a good job i'm feeling so much better i work that little bit harder to look after myself and having just gone 11 weeks off ivs i'm so pleased with how my health is doing, i've checked back in to Wythenshawe last night for a week or so, to have ivs started and to sort out my sugars and feeds, got to have a synactin test, to see if my body actually still makes any steroid.  

It's my skydive two weeks on 26th May, that's why i'm having ivs, to make sure my lungs r best they can be for when i jump out of a plane!! eeeekkkk!! It's come around so fast!! xx I'm still collecting sponsorship on my justgiving site, so if you can please sponsor me, every little helps!! :) xxx I can't wait to blog about it and tell you all about it, i just hope i'll be able to put the experience into words.

Sitting here, i'm bored out my brains, tired n having little naps, i don't feel ill, but first few days of drugs always knock ya about abit.  Weekend TV is so awful, i can't wait for monday's day time to come back. They letting me have ward leave tomorrow to go Alton Towers with my Monsoon Girlies, i can't wait! xx

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