Thank you xxx :)

I just wanted to Thank everyone for such kind messages of support after reading my last blog update, it been really hard telling people what happened and this once i was ready was the easiest way to tell people, for some people i'm sorry you didn't find out from a text or phone call from me, it got so hard this seemed the best way.  I can't believe how many people read my last blog, even the one person i told u would never read my blogs read it.  Not sure what he thought though he not the best at talking about his feelings, it's kinda part the reason we in this mess.


Why is it it's so hard for men to talk, women cry get all emotional and men just bottle it all up.  I've been crying n talking to my friend about it all instead of talking to him and he's just been sitting thinking it all over and over by himself, so i guess i'm to blame too! I really do know the man i married, he doesn't change his mind, when i decision has been made, he's thought about it to the point he believes it's only decision to make.  He given up on so many things in his life, jobs he just walked away from, but he one them lucky one that always land on their feet. I never ever thought though that he'd give up on me and us.  I really believed i'd be the one solid thing in his life! Like i said jobs have come and gone, but this time he stuck with the job n let go of the wife!  He always worked for us i know, he wanted to make a good life for us, that why i hate the fact he put in a beautiful bathroom just weeks before we broke up and i so loved the shower and the beautiful sparkly floor!  He always works so hard, he one of those people u hate, cause when the alarm goes off in the morning, he's wide awake, gets out of bed and gets ready to go to work or get stuck in to the job in hand.  Unlike me i need to snooze for at least 30 mins, then i need a cuppa to start my day, then i can start getting ready.


I guess we both stopped working at it, i think i've believed i've been too ill, n to be honest i felt ill, since Wythenshawe i think he would of seen a big difference in me, i'm so much better and have so much more energy, even this nasty virus which me and my dad have had hasn't knocked me down.  Had it for a week now, it definitely on my chest now and i'm coughing up loads of crap, but i'm doing my nebs and clearing lots and i still have energy i actually haven't felt too ill with it.  I've got clinic on Thursday in Manchester so i'm hoping it hasn't affected me too much, after reaching a lung function in the 40's and 45% during my Imatropium trial i really felt amazing and i hope its not been damaged too much from the virus.  My dad went to the GP after having a week off work with it and has been signed off for next week too after doctor telling him its gonna be one of those difficult ones to shift, great!! He gets another week off and i'm off to work just like i did last week.


I'm being haunted by this song at the moment, it's on the radio everytime i'm driving places, i'm not sure the words of the verse fit my life right now, but the chorus i turn it up and sing it loud!! So if u see a mad head singing in a blue Mazda 3 then that's probably me!! 

What doesn't kill you makes you strongerStand a little tallerDoesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm aloneWhat doesn't kill you makes you fighterFootsteps even lighterDoesn't mean I'm over 'cause you're gone

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, strongerJust me, myself and I

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little tallerDoesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Like i said i've been singing this song lots and i really do believe in the title, what doesn't kill u makes u stronger! Right now, even though i have my weak teary moments, i feel really strong, ready to face the world and not on my own, cuz i know i'm not alone, i have my amazing family and friends around me and Steve isn't gone from my life, he is still my best friend and i still am able to ring and text him when i need to! 
So many people around me thought i wouldn't get through this, i know my family were really worried especially when i actually ended up in Wythenshawe a few days after the breakup x I stayed there for two and half week and didn't come home till i was strong enough not only physically with my little lungies but also mentally.  When i finally came home i was ready to face moving it out, i'd sat and planned it whilst in hospital, the me, my mum and best friend Ula packed the house and i got thru it quite well, i didn't actually cry till i was stood looking at empty house! Then i cried driving home, which is what i still do now, i've taken Soph round to what i'm not automatically in my head calling Steve's house a few times and each time i pick her up i tend to cry driving home, not hysterically, u know the gentle tears that just role down your face! Then i find a happy tune n sing along n by time i get home i'm composed and sorted again! It's just hard leaving and driving away from the place that was mine and leaving the man who i thought i was marrying forever! 
I think i'm coping better than i ever thought i would, it's cost me a fortune to move to my mum's but i wanted to move in and feel like i was home, so i've had the walls stripped, plastered and now painted.  Hopefully in next few days i'll be able to unpack and get things sorted, we just packed everything and then at this end when i unpack i hopefully can get rid of some stuff, don't think you actually realise what you've got till u actually have to pack it all up, u tidy round and move stuff around and try but i must have my mothers genes' cuz i'm a bit of a horder too!! No where near as bad! Mum has little shrines all round the house for all the things that me and my brother have dismissed over the last 27 years of ours lives! So my mission is not to turn out like that!! lol! 
My mission is actually to spend the next few months concentrating on me, making sure i'm happy and healthy and to give my little heart some time to heal.  My parents are doing a good enough job at feeding me, the sunbeds r doing a great job at tanning me! I just need my finances sorted so i can spend a little more time pampering me! Lots of new clothes, times with my friends and save for a nice holiday i think! Role on April pay day! :) xxx
So again thank you for all ur messages of support. Love you all xxx 
xxxxx