Kinda Up, Kinda down, Oh Who Knows How I Feel!

Being feeling little down last few days, the kinda down when you don't really understand yourself and what you want. You think you want to be alone and not really do anything, but you feel bored and lonely at the same time.  Yesterday it was a lovely day, i should of been sat in the garden, chilling reading a book or something but no i sat in my pjs, watched the Grand Prix (i'm a big fan) n kinda felt a little bit sorry for myself.  Then my friend Ula rang, she asked if she could just come round, bring a book n sit with me cuz she needed a lil company, i said yes of course you can, but u can leave ur book at home cuz we'll sit n have a good talk.  I had a shower n made myself look human n we went the pub for a drinky, with Steph too, was just what i needed really some girl time.  :) xx

It wasn't really yesterday I was feeling like that, i been feeling like this for about a week, up n down, like i'm not really unhappy but i'm just a little sad n don't know what to do with myself! Today though i'm little happier, work was good, the boss is off for a week, that's always a bonus.  So was a nice chilled shift with the lovely girls who are my friends.  I do love the "monsoon massive" yes we're a little sad with our name, but who care's, we a great bunch n i love them all.  Had a great night out with them all last week for Rachie's Birthday!!

I love nights out with them, always have a great time n some cheesy music to dance around too, i don't know where i found my energy from when i went out, must of been the Jager Shot i bought for me n Rach, after that i was jumping around n dancing round, coughing but loving every minute.  Last year at the Christmas party i just sat down, n same for night in Stafford in Jan i didn't have the energy to dance much at all, so things must still be good for me! Just gotta keep my lungs working and rest enough to make sure i have enough energy to carry on enjoying myself.

I been getting bit lazy with my treatment lately, only been having my meropenim once a day instead of twice, but it's something i'm working on,, today Monday starts a new week and i did it this morning before work, so i'll do it tonight before bed again.  I'm gonna try and be a good girl this week.  It's still weird not doing my feed, i'm worried about loosing weight and still haven't found my scales, so i don't know my weight, really need to have a good hunt! They definately left my house n came with me because it was one of the first things Steve noticed had gone, that n the air freshner, well i wasn't gonna leave it, it's limited edition apple one, only comes out a christmas, i bought a few too last me!! lol xxx

So i've been using this App on me iphone called MyfitnessPal, it's really good, u can use it online to Calorie Count, www.myfitnesspal.com/.  I literally just type in all my foods for the day its really good, i can log in online too and print it out, so it'll make doing my food diary for clinic next time easier, i always have my phone on me so it's easiest way to record my food.  It's a brill little App though, you should try it, even if u only use it for a few weeks, it teaches you about calorie content of food and how much you need to eat.

I'm not doing the best, im barely hitting 1600 calories a day and that's my target, i need to ring dietitian really to ask her what my target should be, thats a target the app has set me but obviously it doesn't know i have CF, i put in my target weight. I can change the amount of calories i need to eat though on the App, i'm gonna struggle if i actually need to be eating more then i'm gonna be trouble. I really want to survive without my feed as i really do think i was having trouble with it going in my lungs and my sputum has stayed kinda normal, no longer so thick n milky and looking like a blob of feed.  I'm also not coughing as much which is good, when i feel need to i do bit extra physio but it's good at moment i feel quite good still.  N it still surprise me how different i feel, even with everything going on, i've managed to stay well, i'm sure this wouldn't of happened if my care was still at Stoke.

I do worry for my friends at Stoke, things are going to change for them in so many ways, the CF Nurse has handed in her resignation and they interviewing for a new one soon and the physio is leaving in May to go on maternity, i've also heard the consultant is moving on and the paeds consutlant who is the Director of CF Service is retiring.  Not a good few months ahead and a lot of changes will happen.  Just hope that who ever comes in their places comes with fighting spirit to fight for what the patients need.  I just hope this doesn't affect the care anymore than what it's like now, although it will take time for everyone to adapt to the changes.

For me the best thing about moving my care was meeting new faces and having new people with a new perspective on my lungs and how to treat them, maybe fresh faces and fresh eyes will help my friends at Stoke too.

Me i just gotta keep plodding along, roll with the times n keep making sure i look after me now! I've spent a long time trying to put everyone else in my life first n now i need to just look after me! Do what i need to do, i treated myself to a new necklace today, one i can wear everyday, i used to wear a butterfly that i bought myself in a shop for Steve to get me for christmas year or two ago.  If i ever find a new man, i'd like one that go shopping n knows me n can pick out something cute n pretty for me, Steve forgot how to do this!  I'd picked all my own presents out, today's present to my lovely self is a little sparkly heart, to remind me that loving myself is the most important thing right now.  Its a present from the old me to the new me to try help me on my journey to find me!

I also bought a new maxi dress for work and a cute high waisted skirt from the kids section in Monsoon n a little white top, i surprised myself with my tininess, the 10-12 looked massive in the skirt, so i picked up the size lower thinking it was 8-9 tried it on, it fitted fine, oh dear! Got it home n showed my mum it's actually 6-8, wow!! Honestly though i don't really need a bigger size, so i'm today fitting in clothes that would fit a 6year old n i'm 27!! Maybe i do need to find them scales fast to see if i actually have lost weight!! xx Crap! n maybe i should get the slightly bigger size! Some other selfish child must of had the 8-10.  God damn these parents who buy clothes for their kids!!

I think i've pretty much updated u now, don't worry i'm still doing well, just few up n down moments which i guess makes me kinda human!

Love to you all n thanks for reading!! :) xxxx