Laughter the best medicine! :) xxx

Ok i'm sitting on my sofa, snuggled under blanket with a cuppa,  tissues, paracetamol and the olympics on.  I'm so loving the olympics, my favourite sport surprising has been the rowing, i love waking up n flicking it on, not that u ever gonna catch me rowing, one row n my arms would want drop off.  Struggling bit this morning, chest feels mega clogged, i''m tired and my head feels little messed up.  So when i need to clear my head this is where i come.  Once i've cleared my head, i'm gonna go clear my chest big time n then maybe clear up my bedroom, i been a messy pup last few weeks purely because i've not been in much.

I had a brilliant few weeks, i've got a few amazing friends who are keeping me strong and more importantly making me laugh, i honestly don't remember the girl who laughed like this, i have laughed so hard my stomach has hurt tears n i've ended up in huge coughing, n well they say laughter is the best medicine n well u girls u truely are my medicine at the moment.  I always thought of my self as the serious kinda friend, the girl who pops round for a cuppa n has a chat n goes again, i think i've always been someone that people can talk to but not someone u'd rely on to cheer u up n make u laugh.  One of my friends actually said u can tell the difference in me, i look alot happier lately.  N u know what i am.  I actually love how no matter what the situation i can always rely on them to find something funny about it and away to make me laugh!

I still have my days when my head screwed n i'm over thinking things way too much! But hey i'm still only human, i wish i could actually just curl up n go sleep sometimes to shut my head down, but i've never been one to sleep in the daytime, not even when i'm ill can i sleep.  Instead i just over think n get teary.  When i think i bout my marriage n steve i just feel incredibly sad, i had everything i ever wanted once, someone to love me, make me feel safe and make me happy, but we didn't work, in the end i think we actually didn't really have that much in common, maybe we changed too much, we were always happy together but led very separate lives outside the house.  He never would spend time with me and my friends and family, so i always saw them alone and when he did, i'd have to drag him n he would be such a miserable arse i'd wish i'd left him at home.  N he knows it was true, i don't want that again i want someone who's gonna be proud to go places with me, who will like my friends n who will make an effort to get to know them, i know everyone can't like everyone, trust me there a lot of people in this world who i would struggle to make the effort with but just someone who tries.

I actually feel so much better about the life i had with steve, i know we don't work and i know we happier apart, all i want is us to be friends, still feel like i can text, call and know he's there.  Its hard to think of a life with out him in it, but i think i now find i'm actually OK with thinking about a life without him being my husband.

I'm not scared of love, i'm not scared of being hurt, what i am scared of is being on my own forever.  What i miss is that feeling of knowing (pause for the tears trickling). "deep breath" What i miss is that feeling of knowing u have someone in ur life u can go home to who loves you no matter what, who when ur feeling happy is happy for you, when ur feeling sad, puts there arms round you and when u feeling so stupidly in love with someone u know they feel that too.

Sometimes i scare myself with how honest i can be writing this blog, it started off as life about my CF, CF used to take over my life and it was all i had to write about.  Now my health is so much better, me, the married me, the girl this time last year didn't really have a great life, i'd drag my little ass out of bed feeling horrendous, cough my head off whilst having a huge coughing fit, sit down with breaky n be lucky to make it to work on time, i'd work, coughing, feeling ill n exhausted n then the girls would ask me at end my shift if i was doing anything, n i'd be excited at the thought of going home sitting on sofa with a cuppa n watching tv n going to bed at half 9.  It wasn't a life i was ready for, but it was a life that maybe because i was so unhappy i led.

Now well i still have to drag my little arse out of bed (but thats cuz i'm out all time n go bed late), i get up, i do my nebs most days, i have breaky without a nasty coughing fit to exhaust me, n i get ready for work n most days i actually make an effort because i actually have the energy too.  I do have a lot more confidence in myself, i still remember where i came from, u know if u went school with me or saw the photos i was an ugly little duckling, n now well i'm a beautiful little swan.

This last week i been feeling bit chesty, sometimes with CF u get that feeling u just need a little boost, for me i think i probably actually need a wee little rest, but i'm loving my life too much for that, but i do know i gotta slow down a little, out on a tuesday night till 4am n then work at 12, joey does need more sleep, although this morning i feel lots better! I was in London for the weekend n went to Thorpe Park with my brother and then we had centre court tickets at Wimbledon for first day of the olympics, we saw Serena Williams n Federer which was brilliant. but the best game for me was was watching the young british girl, the atmosphere was amazing.

I'm going back to london in a few weeks time for my girl Sophie Gannon 1yr transplant party, today 1 year ago her mummy was told there was nothing more they could do, her mum fought for her, n Harefield and an amzing Donor saved her life.  Now a year on she's still here, she's amazing and i can't wait too go down and see her again.

Its also a year since i think i actually knew my marriage was over, so i've been dealing with this for a long time.  N now i wanna move forward with my life, i feel ready, but i don't ever want to forget the past and i don't wanna cry anymore.

Who knows if i'll ever find someone again, someone who will love me n accept everything about me.  But i have a good life now, i have amazing people around me, my friends n family mean the world too me and who really look out for me and i know they'll always be there.  

N u know what i feel good now, writing this really helps, so i'm gonna go do my nebs and kick some CF ass today at clinic then meet my lovely sister in law for tea.

I love each n every one of u in my life, i love how special u make me feel and i thank u each n everyday for helping me through my life xxxxx :)

:) xxxx